I feel like I may burn...looking over your picture and still seeing every bit of your perfection wasn't just a false memory i created in my head. Love is something that is no longer black and white in my eyes...it bleeds gray all over my hands. What I had to give up to fix what was broken, I don't know if I'll ever find again. Odds are if I can feel like I feel from just your picture...I'll never be ok.

I move on the best I can trying to remember why I left, trying to remember that it was over long before we parted ways...all those cruel words you spoke to me, god how they hurt. But its almost as though at times I have to crawl on my hands and knees to escape the "What ifs" and the "maybes" that haunt my nights alone. My stomach feels like its being ripped from my skin...everything exposed.

I can't sleep because the thoughts that once gave me hope now kill me slowly with every second they play in my mind...an orchard of apple trees and you walking to me in a beautiful white dress ready to share a life...our childs first Christmas, opening presents together, smiles and the beautiful sounds of laughter echoing in our home. This is just a painful dream that I can never escape. I'm bound to you by my soul...but never again by my presence...